The Hero's Journey

One day serious self-doubt crept in. I felt very alone, wondering what my life was, and unable to see my future. I was in an apartment exceeding the time period I swore it was limited to when I took the plunge and purchased it. My exact words were, this will work for 2 years! The old reconverted warehouse really wasn’t a match and soon-to-find out culture. Neither was the neighborhood in downtown San Francisco. Not comforting, serene, or nurturing for this HSP (highly sensitive person.) Naturally, I began to reminisce about my entire life up to that point, and what I had given up this latter half in blowing up the family unit, leaving the long-term marriage, beautiful houses, and bit of a jet-set lifestyle. Emotionally, I was not in a good place.

With desperation, I reached for a large piece of Duralene, a matte surface, paper-like film that accepts any media, and placed it on my expansive table. I then grabbed a tiny bottle of black acrylic ink with a squirt top and, in frenetic motion, squirted the ink all over the surface. It was as though my conscious self was in a trance and the force of creativity took over. This process of expression and perhaps expulsion was amazingly quite fast and complete. When I finished, I looked at the work and felt thrilled to see a robust figure playfully in motion. What popped into my head was A Hero’s Journey. It was resoundingly clear I’ve been on a hero’s journey from victim to transpersonal since birth; that I AM a hero!

Immediately, I felt calm with a deeper understanding and appreciation of myself, in the midst of unfathomable fear, for forging ahead with tremendous courage on a path of autonomy and unbridled exploration of my potential. On this quest, I have experienced and endured many surprising, excruciating emotional hurdles and wasn’t sure at times if I would survive let alone thrive.

Once again, art has saved me. Whenever I look at this figure in ink, I am struck with clarity of purpose and inspiration to keep expanding through my daily life with love, beauty, forgiveness, compassion, boldness, and authenticity.

Flowers

For my well-being and sense of beauty, flowers are essential. Feeling low, buy colorful flowers! Sunflowers are especially cheery. During Covid, far-left shelter-in-place mandates from the CA state and local government officials angered me for many reasons, including the shut down of a floral shop I patronized for decades. This was forced isolation from contact with the wonderful owner and talented florists I had grown close to. Not deemed an “essential” business. Being relegated to Amazon-owned Whole Foods or another grocery store with inconsistent quality and selection did not make me happy. A recalcitrant and moderate, if there is a next time, just let me wear a mask and leave me to decide what’s essential and what isn’t.

Karma

How many times have I asked myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” Inherent in this question is the notion of karma and its punishment. Did I have bad karma?

Thankfully, through self-evaluation, therapy, creative arts, and observation of others’ lives, I stopped asking these ridiculous questions and subscribing to karma as punishment. Instead, I now embody a pre-birth planning perspective wherein our souls agree to a distinct blueprint before incarnating based on what we want to work out or evolve through during a lifetime for completion, advancement of “divine virtues” (per Robert Schwartz), resolution, or healing. Karma is integral. I believe we have agreed upon contracts or relationships with specific people such as birth and adoptive parents, siblings, husbands, wives, children, professionals we collaborate with, co-workers, and certain strangers, to help us learn and grow in awareness. Inherent in these relationships are opportunities to experience a myriad of emotions - love, joy, trust, surprise, sorrow, grief, anger, fear, and on and on. In maneuvering through them, we can create more karma that may have to be dealt with during another lifetime when time runs out for this one and the physical body expires.

In analyzing my life of extreme traumas and processing what has happened, I began to connect the dots. In doing so, the glaring question was and still is “What do I need to understand about this?” One unconventional, complicated relationship after another, male and female, with a similar theme of blocking, harassing, and limiting of my voice and potential seemingly in contradiction to my ultimate quest for love, beauty, freedom, and autonomy. This approach of connecting the dots has led to a greater sense of empowerment, trust in my destiny, and belief I am progressing in accordance with Divine Order. Whatever that is!

Vibrancy

A number of years ago, I saw an exhibit at SF Moma of black and white works on paper and canvas. I imagine the artist may have have been influenced by manic moods with the frenzied details throughout her works. Perhaps depression was in play too as she appeared to downplay the significance of color in her statements. Personally, I could not live without the vibrancy color offers.

Dance

Although I posted this Small Charcoal on Instagram in August, 2020, the message is still relevant. Being human at this moment in time is especially challenging. With the multi-directional stimulation, it takes work to rebalance and continually come back to center. This morning I took a zoom dance class and realized I’ve been holding my breath as if hanging onto dear life. It’s amazing how quickly the movement and music extricated me from my mental habits and ensuing emotions and brought me back to breathing, awareness of my miraculous body, and the present moment.

2024

Intuitive Lee Harris said that on a personal level, 2024 will be a year of strength and purpose; on a global level, unexpected shifts and revolution. I’m ready!

HOA - Cont'd

Board resignation complete! With utmost integrity, I worked hard and tried my best to move us forward. Now, time to let go.

Although I painted Heavy Cascade following a visit with my ailing Mother and feeling a weight on my shoulders, it’s symbolic of any burden ready to be released.