My son went off to college in Fall 2008 and in January 2009, I fled my my gorgeous house and long-term marriage. I rented an apartment in SOMA and began the arduous journey of building a new life at middle age. What was I thinking? Actually, I wasn’t. I hadn’t really thought about the impact of empty nest syndrome, what I was doing, and the financial crisis timing. All I knew is that I was overtaken with a surge of energy like my Guidance was pushing me out. I was on a pink cloud, feeling freedom and all the great possibilities of my life. I felt like I was having a love affair with myself. I was so done with the relational neglect and polarization, being a housewife, and the demanding assortment of jobs entrenched in that. No longer could I tolerate the antiquated system of the marriage and working incredibly hard to make a beautiful, love-filled home. I was not appreciated and valued. My life went unnoticed. As the one who paid for everything, he could do whatever he wanted; I had to toe the line. Be a good girl.
Right after moving into a rental apartment vastly smaller than my house, I was struck with the stark reality that I was alone, as I left my entire social circle and marital social standing. A saving grace, though, was looking 10 years younger. I was still pretty, had a lot of energy and sweet, younger men were attracted to me. Even though I dated and had some fun briefly, there was a long way to go for my freedom and autonomy. Divorce proceedings started to escalate towards war. After all, if anyone had the right to leave the marriage, it was him, not me. He could not believe I left him and the house I loved and painstakingly created. Retribution time!
Embroiled in the legal system with soon-to-be ex was treacherous. So many days it felt like I was on the edge, hanging on for dear life. (Reference artwork - Magnificent, Fascinating, Perilous Moments.) I knew I needed to find communities that could support and hold me while I battled. A psychic advisor told me, instead of praying for help, (which, through tears, I told her I was doing), pray to recognize the stimulus to take care of yourself. A pivotal statement! Then along came an email from CIIS (California Institute of Integral Studies) with a flyer for a year-long Sound, Voice, Music Healing Certificate Program. Viewing it as stimulus, I knew I had to investigate. I was still taking weekly voice lessons, loved music, and was definitely interested in healing. I sent in my deposit and attended the introductory weekend. I told myself I would bail if the vibe of the people wasn’t a match. To my delight, everything was a go! For a year, I had weekly and weekend workshops. I was immersed in high creativity, fully supported, and feeling purposeful. Even with the past, years of marriage, and present legal wranglings, I got a glimpse of a future. At this point in time, I found my tribe. That made me feel happy and hopeful.
Toward the end of this successful program, I knew I had to quickly find something else, another community, to inspire and stabilize me. The search happened effortlessly. Receiving a seemingly random email advertising a Voice And Vision art class at SFAI (SF Art Institute), in the summer of 2010, I took a leap and enrolled. It was a class incorporating text in art and was for people of all levels. Even though I had been an art lover and collector in my marriage, I was an absolute neophyte in creating art. Given beginners were welcome, with the intrigue of exploring my “voice and vision”, I felt compelled to engage.
The moment I walked into the studio, resoundingly, I felt like I was home and never wanted to leave. The artistic atmosphere was utterly calming, and I sensed the people in the room were another tribe for me.
The weekly class was on Wednesdays. For some strange reason, only on this day did something stressful happen in the divorce litigation that demanded my immediate attention and threw me into deep fear and insecurity. Perhaps it wasn’t strange at all. Was it a test to see how much I wanted to explore my creativity and autonomy? Would I persevere or buckle under the pressure and give up?
Often, before the class, I would sit in my vehicle crying and feeling so desperate for a reprieve. I remember walking into the class sometimes late from the havoc husband was wreaking; e.g., finding out his attorney subpoenaed Google and AT&T for my records as if I was the cheater. Even with a high-powered attorney, I felt so utterly alone in an ominous ocean of darkness.
To compound matters, quite readily, I realized the students in this class were advanced, highly skilled devotees of this particular teacher. They had taken many of her classes. Feeling inept and scared overall, I somehow managed to hang in.
Within a month, I had a breakthrough facilitated by the teacher. She was masterful at holding an open studio; her classes weren’t overly structured and inundated with instructions. She offered freedom to play and explore and focused on providing catalysts for creativity. On this 4th Wednesday, she told us she would be walking around the classroom with a hat that contained small pieces of paper and each of us should reach in and take 2. We were to add text to whatever images were presented on these pieces.
I got a circle and a triangle. Boom, I was off and running, filled with impetus. It was like magic! For the next number of days, I was up at 5am drawing variations of intersecting circles and triangles, feverishly writing and repeating the words, Turn Around, Spreading Wings. I felt off-the-charts exhilaration for my creative energy. There was no judgment; it did not matter what the images looked like. What was important was my process of exploration and self-expression.
Somehow, this simple circle and triangle combined with text sparked enormous artistry which I pursued relentlessly by taking her many classes from 2010-2017 when she moved away. I happily became one of her devotees. The prominent rewards were surviving the divorce, creating a large amount of beautiful and expressive art out of my passion for justice, discovering and proclaiming I am an artist and writer. Such a brilliant process!
