I was remarking to a couple of health care professionals that there is no drama in my life right now. Having dealt with high drama most of my life, starting at age 2, although a welcome relief, this is quite foreign and sometimes feels a tad like my life has come to a standstill. There is no person now in my immediate circle who consciously or unconsciously projects his or her jealousies, resentments, rage or unresolved wounding from trauma and childhood experiences onto me, thereby, impacting sense of self and thwarting my rise.
This is very good! And then, on a recent Friday afternoon as I was happily out and about downtown, celebrating the warmth of the sun after so much rain, I unexpectedly got a call from someone I used to be in relationship with. Struck with “The Grab”, I let it go to voicemail. Same for the 2nd call immediately after. I knew that any interaction with this person was a trigger, thus, I had to take time to appropriately prepare myself. Realizing I wanted to avoid the effort and maintain my happy mood, I proceeded to go into a store. Right as my shoe salesman started walking to the stockroom, I heard the ping, looked down at the follow-up text and, inadvertently, perused the message accusing me of violating a financial agreement.
It was like someone slugged me in the stomach. I lost my breath immediately, felt tension in my brain, confusion and fear. Major upset for sure! However, the difference this time was being mindful of what was happening in my body and where the attention was going. Yes, stoppage of breath, followed by thoughts that I was bad, that I did something wrong and that there would be consequences. I knew this was all too familiar behavior with conditioned tendencies from years of tangling and wrangling with key players and being on the defense. I noticed how quickly I could feel like shit and the day turn into darkness. And, I did nothing wrong! He falsely accused me and later recanted with a quasi apology.
Most definitely, this episode took the wind out of my sails and a couple of days to fully recover and realize, once again, that I am courageous, and all the work and “grist for the mill” I’ve experienced in setting myself free have been worth it. With continued, evolving mindfulness, I am free to be and do whatever I want.
And, I do hope that one day I will not longer feel the stretch of a bungee cord to the past.