Capping off a walk/run, I sat on my favorite rock on Sunday after a 4-year absence. During my toughest times between 2009 and 2014, this rock in the right forefront, as part of the beautiful scenery, provided strength and a place to perch when asking for Divine assistance and perspective. To my eye, it somewhat resembles a butterfly.
Oops
With “the grabs”, this comes into play yet again. Excitedly gearing up for a show and conversation.
The Grab - 2
On the heels of Grab 1, here comes Grab 2. My neighbors and I found out the Mayor is proposing the largest “temporary” (4 year) homeless navigation center/shelter in our area along prime Embarcadero waterfront property. Mind you, even though the mayor emphatically states that all neighborhoods need to share in this, it’s my District that has the bulk of homeless shelters and low income housing. There are no shelters or associated plans in super tony Presidio Heights, Pac Heights, Russian Hill, etc. (Gosh, as human beings, we certainly do contradict ourselves!) Anyway, to further exacerbate the situation, she declared an “Emergency”, Washington, D.C.-esque, and, along with the Board of Supervisors, passed Fast-Track Legislation to push these centers through; essentially eliminating public outreach and due process, health and safety permits, environmental studies and data, construction plans based on environmental data and ultimate oversight, etc., etc., etc.
Perhaps they forgot that close by on other landfill sites the Millennium tower is sinking and tilting, and the newly built Salesforce Transit Center was and still is shut down, fraught with safety issues. Oh, and add to it these zones of liquefaction are in prime earthquake position! The Fast-Track Legislation is a change to the building code that can potentially create dangerous situations for years to come.
Many neighbors and I share in wanting viable solutions to the homeless issues, caused by drug and alcohol addictions, mental illness, and economic challenges, here and throughout the state. We voted for funding specifically for this. However, given the complexities involved, this proposed, “temporary” site, is not a viable solution and will not target the source of the issues. And, does “temporary” equate with solution (the correct answer to a puzzle?) I don’t think so.
The Grab is the injustice of having 200+ homeless people and crime imported into our densely residential neighborhood including children, of reducing our safety, quality of life and property values without any appropriate dialogue and regard for us as hardworking taxpayers. There’s legal action, much press, chaos and stress because of the Mayor’s actions. Completely unnecessary! Surely, she didn't mean to be divisive, but her continued actions and tenacity to this predetermined fast-track process and agenda of 1,000 beds for the homeless before her term ends in 2020 have created exponential volatility and division.
The practice now is to stand firmly with the others who support the thriving of homeless people as well as our thriving, do what we can to engage in intelligent, compassionate pushback, and continually let go of attachment to the outcome; like waves rolling in and out, always with moments of calm.
Mindfulness around my behavior during “the grab” is up for me now. Here’s the presentation of another perfect opportunity to practice recent “Aha’s” involving conditioned tendencies, awareness of being safe and well-positioned, and necessity to allow for inquiry and open-heartedness while in the midst of the forces of engagement; in essence, a more inclusive stance.
The Grab - 1
I was remarking to a couple of health care professionals that there is no drama in my life right now. Having dealt with high drama most of my life, starting at age 2, although a welcome relief, this is quite foreign and sometimes feels a tad like my life has come to a standstill. There is no person now in my immediate circle who consciously or unconsciously projects his or her jealousies, resentments, rage or unresolved wounding from trauma and childhood experiences onto me, thereby, impacting sense of self and thwarting my rise.
This is very good! And then, on a recent Friday afternoon as I was happily out and about downtown, celebrating the warmth of the sun after so much rain, I unexpectedly got a call from someone I used to be in relationship with. Struck with “The Grab”, I let it go to voicemail. Same for the 2nd call immediately after. I knew that any interaction with this person was a trigger, thus, I had to take time to appropriately prepare myself. Realizing I wanted to avoid the effort and maintain my happy mood, I proceeded to go into a store. Right as my shoe salesman started walking to the stockroom, I heard the ping, looked down at the follow-up text and, inadvertently, perused the message accusing me of violating a financial agreement.
It was like someone slugged me in the stomach. I lost my breath immediately, felt tension in my brain, confusion and fear. Major upset for sure! However, the difference this time was being mindful of what was happening in my body and where the attention was going. Yes, stoppage of breath, followed by thoughts that I was bad, that I did something wrong and that there would be consequences. I knew this was all too familiar behavior with conditioned tendencies from years of tangling and wrangling with key players and being on the defense. I noticed how quickly I could feel like shit and the day turn into darkness. And, I did nothing wrong! He falsely accused me and later recanted with a quasi apology.
Most definitely, this episode took the wind out of my sails and a couple of days to fully recover and realize, once again, that I am courageous, and all the work and “grist for the mill” I’ve experienced in setting myself free have been worth it. With continued, evolving mindfulness, I am free to be and do whatever I want.
And, I do hope that one day I will not longer feel the stretch of a bungee cord to the past.
Wisdom 2.0 Conference - Takeaway 4
David Treleaven Ph.D., “is a writer, educator, and trauma professional whose work focuses on the intersection of trauma and mindfulness”. He spoke about safety, belonging and dignity, essentials for thriving, and asked what we did at a young age to achieve these and what we do as adults. This question was followed by elaborating on human behavior under pressure and conditioned tendencies, citing what he calls “The Grab”. The grab is anything that will take us off center and cause these primary types of behavior: 1) away - I have to get away, 2) towards - what do you need and how can I help, and 3) against -I’m going to fight this. While in “the grab, he encouraged us to notice what happens in the body and where the attention goes vs. the story; it is through this practice of mindfulness that conditioned tendencies can change. As an example, he mentioned his tendency to hold his breath. Bingo for me too!
Wisdom 2.0 Conference - Takeaway 3
Dr. Dan Siegel said the following: Trauma shuts down integrative growth and you start living a life of rigidity. Further, when someone loses an attachment figure at a young age, rewards, mentalization and regulation of body are the 3 primary systems that are affected, and life gets really tight.
Linking the words trauma, integrative growth and rigidity really encapsulates the broad picture of early emotional and physical shock and distress. I can relate to this and, most assuredly, as an example, so can everyone in the foster care system.
Artivism
Citing en.wikipedia.org, “There is a chapter on activism in the book It’s Bigger Than Hip Hop by M.K. Asante. Asante writes of the artist: The artist (artist + activist) uses her artistic talents to fight and struggle with injustice and oppression - by any medium necessary. The artivist merges commitment to freedom and justice with the pen, the lens, the brush, the voice, the body, and the imagination. The artivist knows that to make an observation is to have an obligation.”
I especially love the last line which offers a welcome insight into my tendency toward deep observation - an obligation rather than a liability.
Wisdom 2.0 Conference - Takeaway 2
Tristan Harris from The Center For Humane Technology stated also that, “Language and conversation are the movements” and the question to ask is “How to lead the conversation that leads to change?”
Upon hearing his words resonating with truth, I immediately felt supported with credence given to my work (Artivism) because my art pieces, as well as associated essays, convey experiences, emotions, ideas, and commentary that are relevant to prevailing issues for individuals and the collective.
So, I will carry on hoping to complete my book preview in the near future.
Couples Retreat
Invariably when painting, music is playing or the TV is on. If it’s the TV, generally I gravitate towards older movies I’ve seen several times to avoid visual distraction. Couples Retreat falls in that category and the other night, a particular scene audibly caught my attention. Being good friends, one husband was chastising another for having extramarital affairs. The defense was, “What am I supposed to do? My wife hates me.” Then the clincher line, “Well, whose fault is that? A relationship is a two-way street, not a highway and a bike path!”
I found this to be amusing and true experientially.
Bag Man
This 10/18 podcast by Rachel Maddow and Mike Yarvitz was recommended by a friend. I spent the better part of yesterday intently listening to the 7 episodes. Quite informational on many levels and, of course, well done.
This is a “story of Spiro Agnew, the political fighter”, which she says: “Turns out doesn’t stand alone in history. It was unprecedented then but now, it’s a story that can maybe be instructive for the fights that we ended up in all over again in this reiteration of presidential scandal and the conflict between law enforcement and the White House.” She added that “history really is here to help.”
Rolling Stone Review: https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/rachel-maddow-bag-man-podcast-804209/